Cell went quite smoothly... Led both worship and word. Jeremy couldn't lead worship cos he was sick. Good practice for me I guess. Had a interesting discussion about serving in church. Although half the cell wasn't around, I was really encouraged by those who did turn up. Ruizhen and T-Jian who have trouble coming for cell. And Joshua Tan who's really growing in the Lord. Really encouraged by him...

Going to watch soccer now... Manchester United vs. Fulham.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Is your conscience weighing you down?
Why don't you throw it away?
Are your emotions going out of control?
Who told you to feel?

Can't sleep at night?
Why wake up?
The giant mirror doesn't show you what you want to see?
Why look in it?

Why love when there's always hate?
Why trust when you're always betrayed?
Why give when they'll just take?
Why be truthful when everyone's fake?

Bound by bitter experiences
Wounded when wills clash
Why live when all you need is to exist?
What keeps you from slitting your wrist?
(Wrist rhymes with exist?
Don't miss the point, the gist...
Ideas like this, wisp away...
Its just the kiss, or the wish of it
that twists me, it whisks me away)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

"How can you make a difference to the world?"
"What??"
"Me, the insignificant digit in Singapore's population to make a difference????"
"Mrs Ong, you ought to be kidding! There is nothing on mind now except the concept plan for the Diploma Sow of my Life!"

Drama mama... We're supposed to write journals for school. On how our journey through Temasek Poly has been. The excerpt is from one of the journals chosen to be shown as an example. Its just so... 'PA-PA-LAPA!!!!!!' This coming week is going to be really busy. Hafta prepare for Comm Skills. Doing up a resume, cover letter and finding out information about the company. Then I have to hand up a milestone deliverable on Thursday. This is the most important thing for this week. 20% for that subject.

On the way home from school just now, I called to ask if there was lunch at home. My mom said yes... Then she asked me the question below.

::: Question of the Day :::
Are you alone?

In more ways than one.... Yes.
In the ONE way more than others... No.

Heylo... Went to school this afternoon to do my major project (MP). Sometimes I wonder whether I'm actually contributing in the team. I really have to push myself to start doing more... On a more positive note, my group member Syafie is really doing a lot!

Watched 'Honey' with Elissa at Tampines Mall. Interesting dance show. Bad thing was, they couldn't make up their mind on whether they wanted it to be an out-and-out dance video or whether to have some storyline in it. Well, they decided on having it in between and it kinda spoilt the show. Along with the crappy dialogue... Yucks. The only saving grace was Jessica Alba... PHROAROW!!!

Bought a transparent cover for my handphone. It cost $3.90. Sigh... After there are scratches on it... :( But at least there won't be anymore...

::: Song of the Day :::
Wasted, paralyzed
I need ten thousand layers of disguise
Built to save
What's left that has already worn away

Inside this vacant made-up plastic life
Only your heart survived
One last cry

One last cry
How long until
It's my day to die

These broken animals
As useless as they are

Gravity gets to me holds me here, without release
Now's the time to cut the line, cross my heart
I realize nights are long and hope is gone
God help me make it home
| emery - by all accounts(today was a disaster) |

Just got back from the gym. I now know the pace that I need to run at if I want to pass the 2.4km run. An average of around 12km/hr. But if I want to do well, I'll have to push myself harder. I'm definitely no where near the mark that I need to be which is shameful because some girls I know run 2.4km in like 11 minutes... I haven't actually seen them run that but thats what they tell me. Just have to keep training I guess.

I have no dinner!! My parents have gone out. I think I'll go whip up something soon... Will update more later...

Good evening... Just got back from Tampines Mall's Cafe Cartel... Gloria's birthday celebration. Had a nice time eating, drinking and talking nonsense. Supposed to go out with Chris & Steffie tonight but Stef smsed to say she was sick. It was almost a relief to get that sms from her. I say 'almost' because of the amount of anxiety I was getting just by thinking about it. I guess its good in a way. Freed me up to spend time with the cell.

I've been reading Joshua Harris again. Reminded me why I made the vow in the first place. And even though its over, I still have a responsibilty to keep. Have to focus on the right things!

Oh sure! Say all these things AFTER you get ditched.
Haha... Fair enough. You could say this is a self defense thing to avoid looking like a loser. But I'm not denying that I am one. Its just that I wasn't getting any peace this afternoon when I was reading the dating book. Oh well... Wrong time I guess.

Merlyn asked me to be prayer coordinator for seeker service. I feel more comfortable doing it now that I've had experience in it. Make sure you do more and procrastinate less... You always said what if you had given your all in doing prayer? Now is the time to prove it. And to see for yourself how much prayer changes things.

Slack day. My parents are home from the US. So everything in the house is back in order....I was awakened by an incessent pounding outside my window. They're doing piling works next to my block. At 8 in the morning! Crazy people!

I was feeling so tired this morning. Body aching from the lame soccer match yesterday. We lost 1-0. All because Shaoqi, our 'Striker' flopped a penalty. I was initially playing centre back. A position I really don't feel comfortable in because of my lack of fitness, so I moved to right back. Then near the end of the first half I switched to right midfield. Didn't really make much of an impact till the 2nd half. Made a couple of nice crosses and a good diagonal through ball to the 'striker' who made no effort to win the ball. Oh well...

Today is a soccer day. Played soccer at the court beside Bedok View Secondary. Matt, Song, Liwei, Nathan, Amos and some other strangers we met there. The standard of those there was unbelievably low. Hahaha... Anyway, its fun playing with them but sometimes you miss having a challenge. I think my standard has dropped in general. I think its cos I haven't played with the kembangan gang for so long.
I'm gonna play a full field soccer match tomorrow morning at 9am... Thats before church. Hopefully everyone comes on time so that I can play at least 3/4 of the match.

Made a 'date' with Steffie... She's this girl introduced to me online by Chris during my attachment at Singapore Management University. She seems sweet but this will be the first time I'm meeting her in person. Really looking forward to it but there's this nervousness in my stomach everytime I think about it. I've forgotten how to go about it... So many 'what ifs' pop into my head. But what the heck, I'm just gonna enjoy myself and make new friends. :p
Life is complicated enough. Don't make it worse. Keep it simple and sweet.

The poem below is adapted.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- 



You shelter me in your embrace and wept with me

                                                          Whisper

                             Soft 

Soothing



As I cry myself to sleep

As tears roll down my cheek

Whitewash over my wounds

                                                          My solace

                             My source 

My comfort



The unconditional love you have...

It          will           never          fade

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

way to go man! after seeing you guys at the gig, i was so impressed by you guys! one great set man, and by the way your vocalist reminds me of Funeral for a Friends` Vocalist, and your voice is nice man! if you guys, marchtwelve & no direction and a whole lot more in the local scene release an album or something its worth every $ man!take care! see you around! byee!

Amazing... This was posted by someone after the Asthenia gig... Personally, I thought we sucked! Hahaha. To be mentioned in the same sentence as marchtwelve and no direction. We don't deserve it. =P

Led worship for prayer meeting... I think it went alright. Had a wonderful time of prayer. The time just slipped by.

Watched 'Cold mountain' this afternoon with Andy & William... Its a good show. Not fantastic cos of the bad ending... Its like the guy travelled all the way just to sleep with her for one night. Then he died the next day. I'd give it a 3.5 out of 5...
I WANT TO WATCH BIG FISH!!!

Don't take it out on me just because you're crabby...

Tests are over... hooray. But there's nothing to do... I'm staying at home. I don't know why. The places that I used to go don't attract me anymore. I'm getting old and boring.
Had a long talk with Elissa last night. Actually... Most of the nights this week... Anyway, she said something like the world sucks. It just sucks to the people who are sitting on the fence. To those who see both sides of the picture.

It doesn't suck to those who are immersed in the world... At least not to those who are just getting started. Maybe they don't realise whats on the other side of the fence... Or they choose to ignore the empty feeling they get after every party or after every night of clubbing. What do they do to counter that feeling? They make more plans, they go to bigger parties, they drink more, they smoke more, they take more drugs... Why? Because its fun. Because for that few hours they hide the meaninglessness of it all. Ignorance is bliss while its lasts.

It sucks to those who know that they cannot be satisfied by the world. But yet cannot find or obtain what really satisfies. Or to those who know but still look back once in a while. People like me who can't let go... Trying to reason, "What if I went back and tried things in a different way?" or "What would it seem like with all that I learnt these 2 years?"
Just can't get my mind round the fact that I don't need those things!
I know I don't... but they're just fun. Having fun is not a sin... But consider the means of obtaining them.

::: Quote of the Day :::
The world is only unfair to those who are of the world...

Yesterdays test was quite easy. Think its cos my lecturer told my class exactly which topics would be tested. Thank God for that. Studying for tomorrows mobile computing test. Well... Actually I just finished watching this movie called equilibrium. Gonna start studying again soon.

Just hung up the clothes from the wash. Its weird doing housework. No I don't think I'm spoilt. Its just that I never got the opportunity to do it. Spoilt is the air stewardess who refused to serve her former maid who was on the flight from the Philippines. It occurs when your attitude is negatively affected. I don't complain when I have to do these things so its not called spoilt? The line between privileged and pampered has been made so faint that people mistake one for the other.
The dictionary says spoilt refers to the attitude. Not the fact that you don't know how to do certain things.

So I had to make my own lunch and wash my own dishes and hang up my own clothes. Wheeee.... I can't get back to studying though. Feeling really lethargic. Might be because of the weather. Now I can't find my lecture notes...

Gotta prepare for worship on Friday... I think after the test tomorrow I'll go to the airport to do that. Spend some time with God.

::: Song of the Day :::
What can I do with my obsession
With the things I cannot see
Is there madness in my being
Is it the wind that moves the trees

Sometimes You're further than the moon
Sometimes You're closer than my skin
And You surrounded me like a winter fog
You've come and burned me with a kiss

And my heart burns for You
And my heart burns...... for You

And I'm so filthy with my sin
I carry a pride like a disease
You know I'm suffering Lord, I'm longing to be close
You burn me deeper than I know

And I feel lonely without hope
And I feel desperate without vision
You wrap around me like a winter coat
You come and free me like a bird

And my heart burns for You
And my heart burns...... for You
| david crowder band - obsession |

Its always good to talk to people older and wiser than myself... Cos they slap you back into reality.

Woke up with my whole body aching this morning... Really felt stiff... Especially my butt. I think it was badminton and the 4 hours of drumming at elements. We had quite a good set. But I think the highlight was when we invited GAS on stage to perform. It was an impromptu thing and they stole the show... Hahaha. Quite a lot of people turned up... I think there were more than 50? Quite a lot of new faces too! I'm just glad that people enjoyed themselves. I enjoyed playing as well. The only thing is that Valentines Day sucks when you're single. Everything reminds you of what you long for. But thats not important now.

Played this morning for service too... I think I was quite tired so I played quite softly. Met the discipleship group after service for lunch. Quite excited to be able to be a 'big brother' to these guys. I can only hope that I be the best example I can be of Christ. Like Paul said to the church in Corinth, "Follow me as I follow the example of Christ." So fun!

Term tests tomorrow. I don't know how prepared I am for it. Spent the later half of today studying for it. Will study more tomorrow morning. Test is at 12:30pm... After that I'll be starting on Mobile Computing... That test is on wednesday.

::: Verse of the Day :::
Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.
| 1 John 3:18-20 |

I know what it is... I know what the crux of the problem is now. I'm scared to death of making mistakes. Thats not all... I'm afraid of making mistakes and then making a fool out of myself. Its only recently that I've learnt that if you keep worrying about reputation, you won't go anywhere.
And then there's the matter of pride to deal with as well. Maybe its not so bad. But why is it somedays I feel that I'm good for nothing? When being 'talented' means nothing. Thats taking for granted that I'm even worthy to be called talented... It means nothing. It will not give you an income... It will not put food on the table.

But where is your faith, daryl?
Shall I dare to tread here? Am I even allowed to rely on God for this? Then what difference is there between the lazy good-for-nothing who trusts God to provide and myself? Where is this line drawn? What are the rules? The guidelines? Or do I just do as those who have gone before have done? They turned out fine... Better than fine even. But I don't want to claim to be living in faith and then botching my life up and being a bad testimony to God.

A constant distraction... Not that I don't like it or don't want it. But its a distraction nonetheless... I have a long time to think about it. In the end, it has to withstand the test of time. Its sweet, but uncertainty spoils the flavour. Don't lie to yourself... You know its still there.

Your words... They mean nothing to me. You are not worth my time nor effort. I can't tell anymore what it is you want and I don't think you can either... So continue to 'seek' God... Go ahead. After all. You are your own man. No one can tell you what to do. Not the older nor the wiser... You know best. Especially when you have 'sought after' God.

My parents are leaving for the US in a few hours... I'm staying up to send them off. Maybe I'm grouchy. Maybe I'm jealous(of several people). Maybe I'm selfish.
Happy Valentine's Day.

Practice with Ignite was much better today... We had it at Elements itself... Something about the venue intrigues me... Sad to hear that ANA hotel will be closing down soon. Read about it in the newspapers. I can only pray that it doesn't happen. That place can be very useful for God's work...

Worship songs: Holy and Anointed one Jesus Lover of My soul Let my words be few.

Set 1: Now and forever Right here waiting Prodigal son Your presence

Set 2: Love Song Explaination Jesus Freak Love Song For A Saviour

Been reading 'The Great Divorce' by C.S. Lewis... About his dream of 'heaven' and the different people who have the opportunity to see heaven, but choose not to enter...

I've been learning more about myself these few days... Able to see what sort of person I am and why people treat me the way they do.
Gotta go do my nightly prayer time.

If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand
I hope you find out what you want, I already know what I am
And if it makes you less sad, We'll start talking again
And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am
I'll grow old, Start acting my age
I'll be a brand new day, In a life that you hate
A crown of gold ,A heart that's harder than stone
And it hurts a whole lot, But it's missed when it's gone

Call me a safe bet, But I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad that you can forgive, I'm only hoping as time goes That you can forget,

If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state
You can keep to yourself, I'll keep out of your way
And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down
Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out
It's cold as a tomb And it's dark in your room
When I sneak to your bed To pour salt in your wounds
So call it quits or get a grip
You say you wanted a solution, You just wanted to be missed

Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad that you can forgive I'm only hoping as time goes you can forget

You are calm and reposed, It lets your beauty unfold
Pale white like the skin stretched over your bones
Spring keeps you ever close, You are second hand smoke
You are so fragile and thin, Standing trial for your sins
Holding onto yourself the best you can
You are the smell before rain, You are the blood in my veins

Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad that you can forgive I'm only hoping as time goes you can forget

Practice with Ignite was better today... Only have one more practice on thursday at Elements before the actual thing on saturday. The worst thing is I just found out that I have term tests next week. So I better start studying already.

My parents, my sister and her husband will be leaving for US soon... There's a seminar over there. Sigh... Wish I could go.

I'm starting this thing where I pray about something or someone for 15-30 minutes every night... I think it'll be good. I better get cracking...

Missions... Thats where I think I'll be headed...

And why not? I'm blessed with a family who are all Christians. So no need to worry about my household... Its time to look out. This direction/ purpose is longterm... I just know it. Not that I really want to, but I know thats where God is calling me.

Where? Which country? To do what? I haven't the slightest clue...
The important question is, How do I prepare for it?
Start on my own turf... With people you know, in a language you know and in ways that you know how...
Do this well and you'll know whether you'll be able to handle this responsibilty...

Its always about faith. Faith that I want to have. Something I want to develop and accomplish before I start out. God help me...

Just something I wrote during the retreat.
Let us move from serving and worshipping selfishly. Choosing how, with which aspects and in which area WE want to serve. Lets drop that attitude and move on to serve with all of our being. Everything that we have. Giving all of ourselves to what we were created to do.

Really had a good time learning at the retreat. Really feel priviledged to be part of the ministry thats gong to raise the bar of our church. Also I think I might have had a glimpse of my purpose for this year... Felt my Spirit leap when Kah Lok mentioned discipleship in the music ministry. Have to continue praying about what exactly I'd be doing.

The flyers for Ignite's 'gig' is out. I have a recording of our last practice and frankly, it sucks. My drumming has been super inconsistent lately. Hopefully I'll get it right before the gig on 14 February... The guitar solo sounded very thin when Liwei wasn't strumming... Nathan voice a bit too forceful. Really praying that these things will be solved by the next practice...

::: Quote of the Day :::
In all the years of living this life of faith, I've never known God's care to fail.

I wrote the following at bedok central's burger king... Spent a lot of time reading and eating there.

I'm inspired. Clearly he's struggled more than me. Clearly he put God first and clearly, I should as well... The thing is, I cannot just sit here and claim that God should provide for me like he did for brother Andrew... I've got to develop my own intimate relationship with Him... I've got to learn to obey and I've got to learn to be sensitive and listen.

You know about the big picture. You know that this isn't ignoring the problem. This is putting the problem in God's hands saying, "Here... Hold this for me while I do your work."

Which brings me to my next question... What exactly is my work? It started with the worship ministry. Playing drums. Its still is. Then came the youth camp where I was prayer head. Then came the mission trip, or rather 'exposure to the mission field in Chiang Mai'. There I contributed through acting in skits, doing percussion, prayer & worship, as well as manual labour.

The new year is here and I don't have any idea of what I'm supposed to do for 2004. Yes... I'm going to start a discipleship group with Andy for the CPC 1 guys. But is that all? What else do I need to learn or do to prepare myself for the work after Rhema? What else can be done to serve Him in this year? Playing for Ignite for Love Day? Acting in Seeker Service? Movie MagiXS?

Prayed for purpose & direction for 2004
3 February 2004
5:57pm

::: Lyric of the Day :::
Three sleepless nights
this isn't how it's supposed to be
but you're so good at taking your time
to give back to me

All new emo band from tooth and nail... Check them out. Haven't felt so excited about a new band for a long time. I must get the album!!!

My sleep was relatively pleasant... Woke up on time but slacked around in my room this morning till I was late... Then I had to take a cab. I've been trying to save money. Shouldn't take cab so often.

Been reading 'Brother Andrew'. Every few pages show how faithful God has been to him and to those who obey. Really inspiring... The faith he has.

::: Verses of the Day :::
When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow. It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it.
| Ecclesiastes 5:4-5 |

Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams.
| 1 Samuel 15:22 |

I cannot escape even in sleep. My dreams betray me. I feel like a tube of glass. I feel like there's a mark, a fingerprint which I so much want to get rid of. The problem is that the mark is on the inside of the glass.

When I was very young, I liked to watch shows on crime and investigation... I always thought that the criminals were silly for leaving their fingerprints around. So I would pretend to be a thief and go round the house 'stealing' things. The trick was, in my mind, to handle the objects so lightly so that my fingerprints would not appear on the object. It wasn't until much later when my friend told me that any contact would leave a fingerprint. I think she was laughing when she told me...

Any contact will leave a mark.
How true...
The more I think about it, the more I feel that it was so unnecessary. I hate it when she reminds me of things like that. It serves no purpose at all... I hate it when we connect. Or when I feel that we connect. Why remind me of things that have past?

Tiring day... Played my last gig for cheapthrills today. Really enjoyed myself. Its was so hot on stage. Played till perspiration was getting in my eyes. Just reviewed the video of the gig... It wasn't the best gig we've played. Quite messy but we had fun and thats the most important thing. Haha... Saw some good drummers today. I always feel that my drumming is so amateurish when I see them. I think I should go for drum lessons.

Solar Energy won the XS challenge cookout... Good work from all the members. I wasn't there for much of the preparation. :P
You see people who remind you of yourself and you wish you could smack some sense into them. But its none of your business and there's nothing you can do to force them to change.

Should pray for them. I haven't been praying much at all. Wearing myself out with the nightly practices with Ignite and cheapthrills. I shouldn't give excuses, I know... But being in school all day before drumming in the evenings till 10 is no joke.

Happy February... I've got to find my purpose for this year...